Joke of the Day (1 Viewer)

[thebritfarmer]

Well I thought I would start a thread to share some jokes. As long as they are not vulgar or offensive, I think we should be okay. So come on guys let's hear them.

Here are a few to get the ball rolling.


HOW THE FIGHT STARTED



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started.......

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started.......

===========================================================

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started.

===========================================================

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

' Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.......

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started.......

 

[jazzeum]

Very good. After just having a stressful moment (read argument) with my son, I needed a laugh. Henny Youngman would be proud of you.

 

[Russell]

Wonderful idea. I sure laughed.

 

[jazzeum]

Speaking of Henny, who used to be a traveling salesman, he's on a trip and he calls home to see how his cat Sam is. Henny says to his brother, "Al, how's Sam?"

Al says "I'm sorry Henny but Sam died." Henny says "Al, I'm on the road. Can't you say something like 'Sam's on the roof." Al says "sorry Henny."

Henny then asks "How's Mom?" Al says "Mom's on the roof."

 

[thebritfarmer]

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.

'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said,
'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used
to live in a house of Prostitution & sometimes
It says some pretty vulgar stuff.'

The woman thought about this, but decided
she had to have the bird any way.

She took it home & hung the bird's cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.'

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication,
But then thought 'that's really not so bad.'

When her 2 teenage daughters returned
From school the bird saw & said,
'New house, new madam, new girls.'

The girls & the woman were a bit offended,
But then began to laugh about the situation

considering how & where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith
Came home from work.

The bird looked at him & said,








'Hi Keith'

 

[theBaron]

Three men die and go before the Pearly Gates-an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Dutchman from Lehigh County.

St. Peter motions to the Englishman to approach and says, "I'll let you into Heaven, if you can tell me the meaning of Easter."

The Englishman steps forward and says, "I'll answer that, old man, Easter is when we celebrate the death and resurrection of our Lord".

"Very good," says St Peter, "You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven". The gates part, and the Englishman steps inside.

St. Peter motions to the Frenchman to approach. The Frenchman steps up, and St. Peter says to him, "I'll let you into Heaven, if you can tell me the meaning of Easter."

The Frenchman smiles, "Sacre bleu, mais oui!" he says. "Zat is when we celebrate la mort, eh, ze death an' ze resurretion of notre Dieu, n'est-ce pas?"

"Very good," says St Peter, "You may enter the Kingdom of Heaven". The gates part, and the Frenchman steps inside.

St. Peter motions to the Dutchman from Lehigh County to approach. The Dutchman approaches, and St. Peter says to him, "I'll let you into Heaven, if you can tell me the meaning of Easter."

The Dutchman says, "Vell, naw, Easter? Vell, a long tahm ago, dere vas dis man named Jesus, say, and dey nailed Him to a tree."

St. Peter says, "Yes, very good, you can enter"

"Naw, vait chust a minnit, vait chust a minnut, ah'm not done chust yet," says the Dutchman. "Denn dey took him dawhn, say, and dey put His body in a toomb".

St. Peter is starting to get impatient, there will be a lot more souls coming today, and he says, "Very good, now please come in!"

"Naw, vait chust a mnnit, vait chust a minnut, ah'm not done chust yet," says the Dutchman. "Denn dey put a big Shtee, a shtone, in front of the toomb."

St. Peter is looking at his watch and tapping his feet. "Yes, yes, very good, please come inside."

"Naw, vait chust a minnit, vait chust a minnit, ah'm not done chust yet," says the Dutchman. "And after t'ree days, dey rolled the stone away from de toomb, say"

St. Peter has lost all patience. "Would you please come inside?!"

"Naw, vait chust a minnit!" says the Dutchman, "Ah'm not finnished yet. Dey roll de stone away, and if He sees His shadow, dere's six more weeks of winter!"

 

[Scott]

I saw a cartoon version of this one in National Lampoon back in the 70s. I didn't know it was an older story.......

Return to D. L. Ashliman's folktexts, a library of folktales, folklore, fairy tales, and mythology. Source: The Book of the Thousand Nights and a Night: A Plain and Literal Translation of the Arabian Nights Entertainments, translated by Richard F. Burton (Privately printed by the Burton Club, 1885), vol. 5, pp. 135-137. Translation revised by D. L. Ashliman.


The Historic Fart
1001 Nights
They recount that in the city of Kaukaban in Yemen there was a man named Abu Hasan of the Fadhli tribe who left the Bedouin life and became a townsman and the wealthiest of merchants. His wife died while both were young, and his friends pressed him to marry again.

Weary of their pressure, Abu Hasan entered into negotiations with the old women who procure matches, and married a woman as beautiful as the moon shining over the sea. To the wedding banquet he invited kith and kin, ulema and fakirs, friends and foes, and all of his acquaintances.

The whole house was thrown open to feasting: There were five different colors of rice, and sherbets of as many more; kid goats stuffed with walnuts, almonds, and pistachios; and a young camel roasted whole. So they ate and drank and made merry.

The bride was displayed in her seven dresses -- and one more -- to the women, who could not take their eyes off her. At last the bridegroom was summoned to the chamber where she sat enthroned. He rose slowly and with dignity from his divan; but in do doing, for he was over full of meat and drink, he let fly a great and terrible fart.

In fear for their lives, all the guests immediately turned to their neighbors and talked aloud, pretending to have heard nothing.

Mortified, Abu Hasan turned away from the bridal chamber and as if to answer a call of nature. He went down to the courtyard, saddled his mare, and rode off, weeping bitterly through the night.

In time he reached Lahej where he found a ship ready to sail for India; so he boarded, arriving ultimately at Calicut on the Malabar coast. Here he met with many Arabs, especially from Hadramaut, who recommended him to the King. This King (who was a Kafir) trusted him and advanced him to the captaincy of his bodyguard. He remained there ten years, in peace and happiness, but finally was overcome with homesickness. His longing to behold his native land was like that of a lover pining for his beloved; and it nearly cost him his life.

Finally he sneaked away without taking leave and made his way to Makalla in Hadramaut. Here he donned the rags of a dervish. Keeping his name and circumstances a secret, he set forth on foot for Kaukaban. He endured a thousand hardships of hunger, thirst, and fatigue; and braved a thousand dangers from lions, snakes, and ghouls.

Drawing near to his old home, he looked down upon it from the hills with brimming eyes, and said to himself, "They might recognize me, so I will wander about the outskirts and listen to what people are saying. May Allah grant that they do not remember what happened."

He listened carefully for seven nights and seven days, until it happened that, as he was sitting at the door of a hut, he heard the voice of a young girl saying, "Mother, tell me what day was I born on, for one of my companions wants to tell my fortune."

The mother answered, "My daughter, you were born on the very night when Abu Hasan farted."

No sooner had the listener heard these words than he rose up from the bench and fled, saying to himself, "Verily my fart has become a date! It will be remembered for ever and ever.

He continued on his way, returning finally to India, where he remained in self exile until he died. May the mercy of Allah be upon him!

 

[L Flowers]

A man in Topeka , Kansas decided to write a book about Churches around
> the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and started working
> east from there.
>
> Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making
> notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was
> intrigued with a sign, which read 'Calls:
> $10,000 a minute.' Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone and
> the sign. The pastor answered that this golden phone is , in fact, a
> direct line to heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to
> God.
>
> The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued
> to visit churches in Seattle, Dallas, St. Louis , Chicago , Milwaukee
> , and around the United States, he found more phones,with the same sign,
> and the same answer from each pastor.
>
> Finally, he arrived in Massachusetts . Upon entering a church in
> Boston, MA .. Behold - he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS
> time, the sign read "Calls: 35 cents."
>
> Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor, "Reverend, I have been in
> cities all across the country and in each church I have found this
> golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and
> that I could talk to God, but in the other churches the cost was
> $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads only 35 cents a call.
>
> "Why?"
>
> The pastor, smiling benignly, replied, 'Son, you're in Boston,
> Massachusetts now, home of the Boston Red Sox, Patriots and Celts -
> You're in God's Country, It's a local call.
>

 

[Scott]

Wow Larry, I saw another guy using this avatar on another forum just today.

 

[L Flowers]

I got it from a military forum I go to.

 

[Scott]

Brian Peppers Icon....

 

[Shannon Reuss]

A joke of the day thread was attempted a few years ago on the forum but had to be removed as the humor soon became salty.

When choosing a joke to post make sure it is clean, appropriate for our younger collectors (age 13 and up) and one that could be printed in a newspaper or other family publication.

When in doubt, be conservative and err on the side of caution. Would you tell it to your child or grandchild? Because by posting it here you could be telling it to someone else's child or grandchild.

Thank you for your cooperation,

 

[Leadmen]

The Reverend went to visit a patient at the nursing home.During his visit with her he noticed a bowl of peanuts by her bed. The Reverend starting eating the peanuts until the bowl was empty. He apologized to the patient saying " I ate all your peanuts." The patient replied "That's alright Reverend, I already sucked the chocolate off."

 

[Cardigan600]

Yo Troopers, if we are going to have jokes lets have some class ones, Where I come from jokes are an art form and have to be top draw. Read on.



A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his
back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured
it over the little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes,
so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I
don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself.

I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I
would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a
fantastic se* life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again
hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting
for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I
just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally
famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see
you're
all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need
cash, I
just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even
know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer se* life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says
shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to
know if I
did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once,
sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only
once
or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a
Catholic
priest in a small parish.'

 

[Scott]

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the heck off our car!"

 

[Cardigan600]

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses at them through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Mary Agnes, "What should we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the mini Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water before we left the Vatican," replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Mary Vincent.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Mary Agnes. She then opens the window and shouts, "Get the heck off our car!"

Yo Scott, sorry Trooper only 1 out of 10:
Bernard.

 

[Sans Culotte]

A priest & a rabbi had been friends for many years. One evening, over a cup of coffee, the priest turned to the rabbi & said, "My friend, we've known each other for a long time & there's something I've always wondered. Have you ever tasted ham?"
"Well," said the rabbi, looking a little sheepish, "I must admit when I was a very young man & curious, I tasted some ham. Now tell me, my old friend," the rabbi said, "there's something I've always wondered. Have you ever had sex with a woman?
"My friend," answered the priest, " I must confess, when I was a young man, before I entered the priesthood, yes, I had sex with a woman."
The rabbi smiled at the priest & said, "It's better than ham, isn't it?"

 

[aujj65]

There were three cats walking across the frozen River Seine in Paris, all of a sudden the ice broke and………………un deux trois quatre cinq!

Sorry, it's one of the only clean jokes I know

Jeff

 

[Scott]

I didn't know they were going to get rated! Geeeze I could tell this one to my wife's aunt, the Nun-In-Law. Better than the "show him you're nuts" jokes with Sven and Ollie.

 

[Cardigan600]

There were three cats walking across the frozen River Seine in Paris, all of a sudden the ice broke and………………un deux trois quatre cinq!

Sorry, it's one of the only clean jokes I know

Jeff

lol, having second thoughts about the holiday after that
Bernard.