Nelson at Trafalgar (1 Viewer)

King & Country

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Hi Guys,

Andy C. here, I just received this very important message from an old friend of mine in the Royal Marines… now read on….

Nelson at Trafalgar

'Order the signal, Hardy.'
'Aye, aye sir.'
'Hold on, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?'
'Sorry, sir?'
'"England expects every person to do his duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability." Whatgobbledygook is this?'
'Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist.'
'Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco.'
'Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.'
'In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle.'
'The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It's part of the Government's policy on binge drinking.'
'Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it. Full speed ahead.'
'I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.'
'**** it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please.'
'That won't be possible, sir.'
'What?'
'Health and safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness. And they said that rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.'
'Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy.'
'He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo'c'sle Admiral.'
'Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd.'
'Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled.'
'Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of Admiral by playing the disability card.'
'Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.'
'Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.'
'A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?'
'I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.'
'The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.'
'What? This is mutiny.'
'It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.'
'Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?'
'Actually, sir, we're not.'
'We're not?'
'No, sir. The Frenchies and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation.'
'But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.'
'I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary.'
'You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.'
'Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multi-cultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules.'
'Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?'
'As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu. And there's a ban on corporal punishment.'
'What about sodomy?'
'I believe it's to be encouraged these days, sir'
'In that case, kiss me, Hardy.'
 
Glad to see that Monty Python is alive and well!

Unfortunately this sort of humor really isn't too far off the mark in our incredibly inane PC world. But like any old soldier I can laugh at it now.

Dave
 
I am, I would like to think, a fair minded person who is not prejudiced against any race, color, creed or sexual orientation. That being said, I hate political correctness. I don't understand how euphemizing the English language helps anyone. While I do avoid using language I know will offend the listener, I believe in free speech, and use politically incorrect terms in my daily life. I once upset a gay couple my wife and I were having brunch with because I was describing a scene in a movie we had just seen (Bridgit Jones' Diary) as hysterical because "these two faggy Englishmen were having a slap fight in a restuarant." I had no intention of upsetting either homosexuals or brits, I was just describing a scene in a movie. You would think the fact that I was having brunch with them would tip off the gay couple that I had nothing against gays, but man, did my wife press me to appologize. So for me, some people are "bums", as well as "homeless people", it is "shell shock" as well as "post truamtic stress disorder", and effeminate upper class twits are "faggy". I never use the "N" word, and never use other racial or ethnic slurs, but I do call Native Americans Indians, and don't have a problem with sports teams like the Cleveland Indians or the Atlanta Braves, because I don't think these words are meant to insult or denigrate these people, they are merely longstanding common usage. Sorry about the rant, and Andy, your post was very funny.
 
Unlike Louis, I am an equal opportunity bigot. I HATE EVERYBODY.

To quote that great american late-night side-kick, "and you sir are correct sir." PC talk is more than stupid; it's beyond offensive; it's so liberal (and this from a certified, card carrying member of the ACLU) that it's right wing (it went so far left, it's right). And Andy, it is very sadly funny. ;) Michael
 
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Hi guys,

I have never been one to sugar coat things and the whole pc mentality is for the birds. Call me callous or a neanderthal or whatever but if the people who are so sensitive about their political or sexual preferences would get over it and get a clue that most of us dont care what they do at home we would be a lot better off. So that said Louis if the couple you apparently offended by describing a scene from a movie that was pretty funny then they need help in the form of a swift kick in the a--. I would say your description of the slap fight was spot on so dont sweat it. Friends except you for who you are.

Just some thoughts on the subject and no where near the thread topic.

Dave
 
Trying to think of someone I know from the forces who is PC :confused: ......durrr........not managed yet :eek: ........ Can't manage it. :mad: Wonder why that is? :cool:
 

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