Comical Military Moments (3 Viewers)

[Currahee Chris]

I decided to start this thread in the hope of generating a bunch of comical stories from anyone who was in the military at some point in time- it doesn't have to be a first person account- perhaps a story passed down from a grandfather or uncle or even something you read in a book.

For me, the military is ripe for humorous moments- case in point- one of my favorite movie scenes- Blackhawk Down- the one young Corporal who is doing his Captain Steele impression- I was in tears laughing so hard on that one.

Anyway, this isn't the thread for the Saving Private Ryan moments- more like the Sgt Bilko or Delta Farce moments. Trust me, guns, laws and regulations and testosterone properly mixed together can make for a wonderful taxpayer filled comedy hour.

So without further ado, here is one of my many misadventures:

Peason Ridge training facility- outside of Ft. Polk Lousiana. Fall 1992

It was a late Sunday afternoon and the commander had his meeting. I was with my buddies and we were working on an Abrams tank.Our maintenace chief pulled up in his Hummvee and was assisting. He went to get some rags as we were finished and cleaning up. These rags were nothing more than bundles of unwanted clothing people had donated.

Anyway, Chief comes from behind his hummer and he's holding this massive pink women's shower robe. We were all laughing and he looks around. "Hey Chris- I will give you $20 if you put this on and sprint across the company area with it on while wearing your kevlar (helmet). " THings got quiet as the fellas knew I was up for a dare- especially if money was involved. I thought on it for a minute- "Chief- the colonel and the Sgt Major are just over there."
"It's ok- they are going to be in the meeting for about 30 minutes still- I'll cover for you."

Yeah right!! So I grab the robe and take off my blouse and strap myself all up and go tearing across the open field- this stretch was about 150 yards in length. I even threw on extra face camo in case they might see me (as if they couldn't identify me with my nametag on my uniform).

I was skipping along making a scene when I hear "Hey!! What the ??&^$#$%&#" and all sorts of other things is going on here!!" Oh CRAP!! It's the CSM- he has seen me- I pull up the leg sections that are dragging on the ground and ran like I was under direct fire. My kevlar went flying off as he and some of the platoon sergeants came tearing after me. I retrieved my helmet and went flying into the woods. Guys from all around the perimeter are screaming "hurry up man- hubba hubba one time, double up Chris- get moving!!"

I was able to loose them as I just ran blindly for my life!!! If the CSM had got me, I was through. Fortunately, they gave up pursuit and I was able to wait em out. I took the robe off and threw it into the woods- it's probably still there!! I made it back to my boys and they were all in tears. Chief was howeling and got the other guys to give me an extra $20. For that stunt alone- I never had to buy my own beer for about 2-3 months after!!

The guys told me later on that the CSM and Top Shirt pulled their hummers along the perimeter and were waiting for me to emerge. A couple times they threw rocks in the woods. I was probably a good 1/2 mile deep- I had lost all sight of everything.

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Chris,

That was funny! I will give you a few of the funnier moments I have witnessed and been part of...

As a good Armored Officer I have always had a soft sopt for my fuzzy faced friends in the Infantry, but there are always exceptions right? Well here goes,

And there we were, NTC rotation 10 days in and getting more tired by the day. We have just completed a mission and all the associated After Action Reviews of our performance or lack there of, when we are summoned to the Commanders Tank for an OPORD (Operation Order for the next mission) and my friend the Infantry LT falls asleep while we are waiting for the commander to impart his holy words of wisdom. Now he was wearing his glasses also known as BirthControl for the coolness they bestowed upon the wearer. So I decided to color the lenses with a fine point red permenant pen and the effect is large blood shot eyes staring at the Commander for the entire order with the LT rubbing them trying to figure out what was wrong with his eyes.

The commander was a good egg and held his laughter in until the LTs were dismissed and sent away to peels of laughter!

My first Sergeant thought there was something wrong with all of us but especially me. It was a very funny momment!

I have to say there are a lot of really funny momments during the time I was in but a lot of them may not be fit for mixed company.

All the best

Dave

 

[Currahee Chris]

Dave-

that is great stuff!! Where would be be without our RPG's??? I think that is even funnier that an LT was wearing them. Poor guy. That was pretty creative- I got to admit- did he find out it was you? If so, what were the repurcussions??

Yeah, I have to think the pranks/nonsense that were pulled on the officer side of the house were way better than what us enlisted guys pulled- after all, you guys had the benefit of college and the pranks that go along with that experience........

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Chris,

I dont know about that because I had some very funny and devious mechanics. One day when I was an XO for a Tank Company I get called down to the motorpool to discuss our deep shortage of tires for the Hummwvs. I thought this was going to be a very serious discussion because we were having a lot of problems with the Hummers mechanically and we had a major field exercise approaching little did know...

The Motor Sergeant who was considered by many a witch Dr had figured out that we had a readily available source of temporary replacements available. Now I was really impressed because he had pulled the Battalion XO's(Major 2nd in Command of the Battalion responcible for Maintenance) Hummer in to our bay and wanted to show me his radical new idea. I nearly died laughing when we went into the bay and took a look. There sits the BN XOs Hummer with new shoes on... M113 Road wheels. They were a perfect fit for the Hummers wheel hub and they had fit 4 of them to the vehicle. Can you picture a Hummer with what looks like the tricycle wheels on it, you know the solid metal with hard rubber wheels that dont require air? Of course we all fell out and when the laughter died down we put it back on the line and waited for the XO to get there for Friday afternoon Motorpool inspection and review of the deadline report. The look on his face when we were doing the line inspection was priceless but he zeroed in on me and I had to plead ignorance of course I doubt he believed it. But there really wasnt any harm done just a good prank. I have a photo of it somewhere I'll have to root through my stuff and see if we can find it. I am sure he still laughs about it. He did do some yelling but we put it back together and all was forgiven.

We did a lot of crazy stuff and had a ton of fun and I do miss those days. Have a lot of other stories I will share if any of you other guys will do the same there has to be other vets out there who saw and did some funny stuff.

All the best

Dave

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Chris,

I found a great photo of something I'm sure you will recognize! Enjoy

All the best

Dave

 

[Currahee Chris]

Yeah Dave- that is FUNNY!! I would be much obliged if you could find that picture- ok then- my turn:

Basic training- August 1990- M60 Qualification range-

We went on a 5 mile road march or so- wasn't too bad- hot as heck but pretty short for a road march. We get to the range and start filing into the bleachers. I am standing there waiting to go on when one of the range Sergeants says "Hey private- how are you today" Stunned, I looked around sensing an onlooking drill but the coast was clear- "I'm good sergeant, thanks for asking" he smiled and I filed up the bleachers.

So, the range sergeants were talking about the M60- various unimportant things like safety, rate of fire, watch your lanes- that kind of stuff. All the while, yours truly is sitting in the bleachers just floored by the level of kindness shown to me by that sergeant.

So, i was off in some fluffy friendly army land and missed the whole safety briefing. So when they are done, I buddy up with Jason Weist- this kid was 5'10 and weighed 130 or so pounds. Real beanpole of a kid but he was my bro.

We get to our foxhole and I am watching all these guys squeeze off like 6-8 round bursts. Now mind you, this is only a few years after the Rambo craze and I like many guys joined the army to fire the 60- preferably two at once like stallone.

I am sitting there thinking "Man, these guys are wussies- they can only fire a few rounds at a time. What a bunch of pansies. Wait till I ripe off all 50 rounds at once- the drills are gonna love me!!"

My turn comes up and I scan down range and just ROCK I mean there was smoke, brass and lead going everywhere. A few minutes later, I hear this loud "WHAP, WHAP, WHAP" and out of my corner vision, I see one arm grab the back of Weast and send him flying out of the foxhole and then I feel this excruciating sting on the back of my neck. I cover my head and look up and it is the nice Sergeant who is beating the living daylights out of me with a rifle rod!! I scrambled out of the foxhole and there are drill sergeants kicking me and calling me all sorts of names. I start running away. Eventually, they got me and took me to Drill Sergeant Dawson- my platoon sergeant- poor guy- couldn't even look me dead on he while he was yelling at me but he couldn't hide his laughter. I was in tears trying to hold back the laughter. He made me go over and find some really dried out pine tree and roll around in the pine needles for a few minutes yelling "i will pay attention in class"

They said I squeezed off 42 of the 50 rounds on that belt!!!

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Rambo!

Thats sweet! I am sure that you still enjoyed the 50 rounds! I know I often try and tell the kids about firing the 50 Cal. I will dig through all of my pictures and see if I can find some of the ones from the night at NTC live fire where they let me fire WP rounds off my tank (6) and I also got to fire 3500 rounds through my 50! That was the greatest time!!! I may even have the picture of the target drone I brought down with 200 rounds from my 50 the guys in the Vulcan were impressed because they couldnt track the thing and were dumping rounds all over the place trying to get it. I was exciting to have one of those babies in the same fighting position as you!!!

I'll look for pictures tonight once the knuckleheads are in bed.

All the best

Dave

 

[Currahee Chris]

Hey Dave-

yeah, squeezing off all those rounds was worth the beating I took. Firing the 50 cal is a world all to its own. Weird firing position though (I fired it from the seated supported firing position). I had a headache after firing that thing but I just laid in bed that night with a grin from ear to ear.

That track- am I reading the bumber number correctly? 2/5 ADA?? I know we talked before about what units we were with- I took the impression that we were both 2 AD (HOOAAHH) but don't recall you providing a battalion.

What's up with the "eye" painted on the side of that thing?? Looks like an invite from an RPG saying "shoot here"

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Chris,

That is indeed 2-5 ADA. I was in 2AD from Jan 86 to June 90. Had a lot of field time with all sorts of crazy stuff in tow. My commander liked that fact that I could navigate with out too much hand holding so he would always give me an attachment or two to drag around just so he knew they were where they were susposed to be. This one had some final drive issues so we had to leave them behind. I much prefered having the ADA guys in tow as opposed to the **** AVLB which was a pig and a giant target on top of it all. Not too easy to hide a thing like that at Hood let alone the NTC.

I am still looking for the pictures of the Hummer I hope I still have it. But I'll give you all another photo I took at Irwin which I think you'll all enjoy.

All the best

Dave

 

[pugio]

i was on radio watch, late night, in the command bunker of a combat engineer company, outside of pleiku, in the central highlands. the radio squawks and i pickup the headset... it was lopez, a small, skinny kid from albany ny, in tower 2 with a .50 cal.... "andy, we've been jumped". for a second, i thought some juiced up grunt hit him. then i heard the .50 start firing, followed by the other ones on that side of the perimeter. i hit the siren, and all hell broke loose.. turned out it was the start of the tet offensive in the highlands. anyway, morning comes, thing quiet down a little and it turns out lopez killed 2 sappers in the wire. now it gets interesting... turns out he also destroyed thousands of dollars worth of trucks that were parked near the wire cause he couldnt control the .50 the higher ups didnt know whether to courtsmarshal him or the major whose idea it was to lump all the trucks together so near the perimeter. eventually, lopez was put in for a silver star, but i dont know if he ever got it cause i had derosed out already.

 

[Currahee Chris]

Dave-

great shot of that Abrams!!! I might save that onto my desktop.

 

[Currahee Chris]

.... but i dont know if he ever got it cause i had derosed out already.

Ah yes- five favorite letters in the army lexicon D-E-R-O-S....

Ha!! That is a great story. Those 50's can rip it up man. That actually reminds me a little of a story of how my grandfather got one of his Bronze Stars in Nam.............

My grandfather fought in WW2, Korea and did 2 tours in Nam- he was getting burned out imagine that. ANyway, he had transfered to the Air Force when they split in 48.

One day, he was sitting around the camp and the NVA start mortaring his camp. Rounds go off all over the place but for the most part no one got injured. However, one young airman hadn't made formation for about 3 days. Finally, on the fourth day, another airman came up to my grandad and said "Sergeant, I think I hear a noise coming from the outhouse." My grandad went over and looked into the open pit toilet and could hear some moaning and saw a pair of hands moving around. He was able to recognize the silhoutte of a man!!!

So, he gathered up a bunch of the new guys in the unit and assembled the detail and had them go down into the "pit" and rescue this airman- guess the kid fell in when a mortar round went off when he was sitting on the toilet!! He was knocked unconsious when he fell in and was in there for a couple days!!!!

So, for taking actions to save his fellow airmen, my grandad was presented his third bronze star!!! The kids that went into the pit got a pat on the back. Not sure if the kid who fell in got the purple heart

 

[woodenwarriors]

After I was discharged from the army during the vietnam conflict. I was in the national guard in a supply unit. They took us to the field for manuevers. I had learned in the army not to volunteer for anything. I did not feel like playing army games that day so when they asked fore volunteers for a detail I stupidly raised my hand along with 5 other poor souls. I knew I made a mistake when they handed us rubber gloves and plastic bags. The night before we had a bad wind storm and it blew the toilet paper from the latrine pits all over the sagebrush in the desert. I never again volunteered for any details.
Charlie

 

[Currahee Chris]

.........I never again volunteered for any details.
Charlie

Ha!! I am sure we can all relate to those "What was I doing volunteering for that" moments.

Ok- here's another one from me:

Fort Polk- Summer 1992

The stupid jerk chain of command decided to have a health and welfare inspection at 4 am on a monday morning. Of course, I had nothing to hide but a lot of my derelict buddies did- including women!!!

So, we all head outside and wait for the CoC to get through everything. A couple of my buddies- Dominick and Gearhart come out with duffelbags slung over their shoulders and they were hunched over something fierce!! I saw them and went over to them. "Hey fellas, where are you going?" They looked at each other and then dropped the bags...as gently as they could. "Ouch" I hear from the bags. I looked at them quizzically and asked them to open the bags. Inside each bag was a young lady 19-20 years old- pretty girls but nonetheless, not allowed on the base.

"Hey Chris, help us out man. You have the Mom Mobile (my dad let me borrow his 1990 Chevy Cavalier station wagon- probably more of a curse than a blessing). Can we put the girls in your car just for the morning and then come and get them out after PT??"

Confused I didn't know what to do. I had to stop and just start laughing. Clearly being the opportunist that I am, I squeezed them for a steady beer supply for the next 2 months and they would pull my duty as well. They agreed and I shuttled the young ladies over to my car.

When the Health and Welfare was over, we fell into PT formation and they went on sick call- they never made it- went back to my car and got the girls off base!!

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Chris,

LOL!!!!

As an over the hill x-company commander I have to tell you that was very funny but I have heard and seen even funnier things during health and welfares! Its always amazing what joe will try and get away with like the 1SG and all the other NCOs are stupid or were never devious PVTs themselves.

Too funny my friend too funny!

I will post a picture you are sure to like soon. Another broken vehicle only I think you all will enjoy the story.

All the best

Dave

 

[DMNamiot]

Hi Guys,

Here is a photo essay of what happens when you dont watch the engineers dig your 2 tiered fighting position.

There we were, National Training Center again...

Live fire defensive portion where we must build our fight positions and manage our assets properly in order to maximize the time and available engineer assets. Sounds easy right? Well it isnt too bad if everyone does what they are susposed too. Generally my job as a Platoon leader was to lay out the Platoon fighting postion which in plain speak means assign positions for each tank with converging fires and depth in the position in order to do tha maximum amout of damage possible on an enemy of Battalion or greater strength. I will tell you that I did just that with my Platoon Sergeant and other Tank Commanders only we had a guy who was working with us since I had a vehicle drop out due to mechanicla issues and this guys regular unit let us have him so we would have a full fighting position. The first photo shows my tank with a completed and inspected/tank in and out of it position.

I will have to make several posts for the story to develop:

Dave

 

[DMNamiot]

Here is the next shot. This shows my tank in the posititon with the gun tube elevated so the driver can get in and out of his position. This is the hide position where you can walk atraight from the ground to the turret top. You can see its not exactly flush... This is important as you will see.

 

[DMNamiot]

Next shot shows the replacement tank in its hide...

Note the depth difference only slight but it was significant

 

[DMNamiot]

Here they are trying to come out of their hide to the firing position. The gun is not susposed to be elevated and should be able to clear the front of the positon in normal firing position...

 

[DMNamiot]

Of course you may have noticed that I was in a couple of the photos carrying a map because I was off to the commanders update and didnt see this series of photos and the subsequent mishap that transpired. I did wnat every good LT does and told my Platoon Sergeant to watch the new guys and make sure they didnt mess up their position oh well every great Platoon Sergants have off days.

Well We get the orders to occupy the positions because the enemy is approaching so we do and go through a fairly successful fight with the plywood enemy and while this is going on I noticed a tracer from a tank go spinning off to the right flank of the company so I though oh wow they really do have defective rounds sometimes and then it happens again and again. It then stops because the Observer Controllers take the vehicle in question out with their god gun and we continue on with the fight I have to report the destruction of one of my vehicles (drill I thought) and eventually do my final sitrep (situation Report) tell the commnader our status for a bunch of different things. Ceasefire is given and we clear all weapons and prepare for our AAR. This is when I see that my replacement vehicle is having an issue.

Here are the two photos I am sure Chris will enjoy.