Soccer jokes (1 Viewer)

VIRIATO

Command Sergeant Major
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Apr 28, 2005
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For a few laughs:

http://www.laughfc.co.uk/stories/story.php?id=676

http://www.laughfc.co.uk/stories/story.php?id=724

England manager Sven Goran Eriksson (this was some years ago) spots a turd on the England training pitch with which he replies
"Who's ***** on the pitch?"
Heskey replies
"I am Boss, but I'm good in the air"

A young boy meets a wizard. The wizard tells him: «Son, I have the power to grant you a wish». The boy replies: «My grandfather just died, could you bring him back from the dead?». The wizard says: «That I can not do. Try another one.». The boy says: »Make England win the World Cup». The wizard: «Where is your grandfather buried?».
This last one might also apply to Portugal:D.

Paulo
 
More:
1-«Two Dutch football fans are walking along the road when one of them picks up a mirror. He looks in it and says, 'Hey, I know that bloke!'

The second one picks it up and says, 'Of course you do you idiot, it's me»

2-Capello called Heskey after a disastrous game and said - Heskey, you were rubbish, you can't even score with no Goalkeeper between the posts from 6 yards out.

"Don't pay any attention to him, Emile", said captain Gerrard, trying to be encouraging. "He doesn't know what he's talking about. He only repeats what everybody else says."

3-Why are England happy Australia are in the World Cup.

Because they'll have a team to support into the second round.

Paulo
 
«When Heskey was put clear through on goal against the USA, there was a split second when I thought that it was Wayne Rooney who had the chance (I have bad eyesight). My excitement died when I realised it was Heskey.

Big Emile had a good game against the Yanks, but there was never any doubt that he would shoot straight at Tim Howard when clean through. After the match, he then had the cheek to complain that he missed because of the new ball. Has there been a problem with the ball in all the other matches that Heskey has played in since 2001?»

Sic from England supporter:D:D:D:D.

Paulo
 
To put things in context:D:
«For so long, the new Villa striker has been the butt of all the jokes. He has been slapped with the discourteous sobriquet «Donkey», and chants of «Bruno, Bruno» (it is said he hits the floor with more regularity even than the boxer Frank Bruno) used to swell down the stands at the first signs of his arrival. He even has Ivanhoe for a middle name.»

Now why should that be:D:D:D:D:D.

Paulo
 
Ok,isn't this all going a bit overboard?.

Rob
 
Another one and then I promiss I'll go and dig a few ones on Ronaldo:D.

Decent Aston Villa Joke!

Martin O’Neill has signed a new foreign super-kid.

On the new boy’s first day of training, O’Neill picks up a ball and shouts very slowly:

'You get this and kick it at the goal.'

The new super-kid looks a bit bewildered but carries on nonetheless.

The next day at training, exactly the same thing happens.

O’Neill stops play, scoops the ball up and shouts - even slower than last time:

'You get this and score a goal.'

Again the young foreign kid looks discombobulated, but carries on.

On the third day, it happens again:

'You get this and score a goal.'

This time, the foreign super-kid finally cracks, so shouts to his new manager:

'Boss, I speak very good English and know what to do!'

O’Neill says:

'Not you son, I’m talking to Heskey!'

Cheers,
Paulo
 
Sorry but got to ask,so much posting of digs about one man,do you have something against heskey you want to share?.:confused:

Rob
 
You know I'm sure we could come up with a few Portugal jokes but why go there.

Heskey was a quality striker at Liverpool. Do I think he should be on the English team? Maybe not, but he's not the only one having problems. It's a team game and just pinpointing one player isn't really fair. I didn't enjoy the Algeria game one bit. It's one thing if they tie in a gallant manner but quite another to do it in the way they did. I found it unsettling to watch.

Moreover, the English team is a source of pride to England. It's all right when the English people pile on him or the team but I doubt they like it when we foreigners do.
 
You know I'm sure we could come up with a few Portugal jokes but why go there.

Heskey was a quality striker at Liverpool. Do I think he should be on the English team? Maybe not, but he's not the only one having problems. It's a team game and just pinpointing one player isn't really fair. I didn't enjoy the Algeria game one bit. It's one thing if they tie in a gallant manner but quite another to do it in the way they did. I found it unsettling to watch.

Moreover, the English team is a source of pride to England. It's all right when the English people pile on him or the team but I doubt they like it when we foreigners do.

Well said Brad,there are many obscene jokes about the Portugese players and the amount of 'Hair care' product the appear to have in there hair during matches,but respect for Portugese supporters would not allow me to repeat them,its just courtesy.We are as you say allowed to pile on our own,and they deserved it after their last showing.

Rob
 
Sorry don't buy it, England are not on form this time round and I don't think you have to be English to poke fun at all.
 
Sorry don't buy it, England are not on form this time round and I don't think you have to be English to poke fun at all.


Well he sure did make a lot of jokes about ONE PLAYER,why,only he knows the answer.Anyway lets just move on and enjoy the football.
Rob
 
Well he sure did make a lot of jokes about ONE PLAYER,why,only he knows the answer.Anyway lets just move on and enjoy the football.
Rob

Rob, all the jokes I came up with I digged them up from UK websites, I haven't made up one of them... I have nothing personal against Heskey, I just don't like his way of playing, and in fact his style is what provokes all these jokes, all of them of British origin. In the last game he even tripped over himself when trying to dribble someone, for God's sake:D.Another one for the soccer bloopers...:D
And by all means, there are a lot of laughable things about Portuguese players, including Ronaldo, as I said before I'll try and dig a few of them on him, just for a laugh... I firmly believe that football is not to be taken too seriously and doesn't deserve to be taken too seriously and of course no offense is meant because this is just for laughs;). Something your British sense of humour certainly let's you understand, as your countrymen's jokes really made me laugh...

Cheers,
Paulo
 
Rob, all the jokes I came up with I digged them up from UK websites, I haven't made up one of them... I have nothing personal against Heskey, I just don't like his way of playing, and in fact his style is what provokes all these jokes, all of them of British origin. In the last game he even tripped over himself when trying to dribble someone, for God's sake:D.Another one for the soccer bloopers...:D
And by all means, there are a lot of laughable things about Portuguese players, including Ronaldo, as I said before I'll try and dig a few of them on him, just for a laugh... I firmly believe that football is not to be taken too seriously and doesn't deserve to be taken too seriously and of course no offense is meant because this is just for laughs;). Something your British sense of humour certainly let's you understand, as your countrymen's jokes really made me laugh...

Cheers,
Paulo

Well said Paulo,I apologise if I took took it the wrong way:eek:.

Rob
 
You know I'm sure we could come up with a few Portugal jokes but why go there.

Heskey was a quality striker at Liverpool.

Sorry Brad, have to disagree. IMHO Heskey was never a quality striker anywhere. Yes, jokes apart he must be a hard worker and he is very strong but he is a limited player. Quality strikers for Liverpool were Dalglish, Rush, Johnson, Fairclough, Fowler, Keegan, Aldridge... It just puzzles me that England can't come up with better strikers than Heskey (except for Rooney, that's a world class player that can have bad days or spells but that's it) to play at the World Cup. On Portugal jokes I'll go there for sure as soon as I find a few, I am not good at making jokes...

Paulo
 
Well said Paulo,I apologise if I took took it the wrong way:eek:.

Rob

Rob,never mind, I probably went overboard with these jokes at the wrong moment of the World Cup, please excuse me if I have offended you. And remember, I always root for Portugal and then for England in these competitions, so I probably feel like an England supporter:D.

Regards,
Paulo
 
Rob,never mind, I probably went overboard with these jokes at the wrong moment of the World Cup, please excuse me if I have offended you. And remember, I always root for Portugal and then for England in these competitions, so I probably feel like an England supporter:D.

Regards,
Paulo

No apology needed at all Paulo and you certainly have not offended me,I guess maybe Football fever is at fever pitch here and the country comes to a standstill when we play (mostly badly!;)) I do tend to get 'over enthusiastic ' about things sometimes,I can hear half the forum laughing at the term 'sometimes':eek::D;)

Again MY apologies

Regards

Rob
 
Now a little attention on Ronaldo (as if he needs any more:D)

http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jan2009/4/3/BC0593F2-E33A-C56C-CDAA8845F6780B57.jpg

Which Ronaldo joke is the best?
1. After smashing his Ferrari up, police questioned Ronaldo about the incident. He blamed it on the wall not being 10 yards back.

2. After smashing his Ferrari Fergie made Ronaldo practice taking corners again at training.

3. Witnesses at the scene of the Ronaldo crash say he was only lightly tapped by a car from behind, when all of the sudden the car flipped over and rolled ten times. It then span around on the spot for two minutes, then all the wheels fell off and it caught fire.

4. The strange thing about Ronaldo's car crash is that, even though he only slightly injured his leg in the accident, he rolled out of the car clutching his head.

5. Looks like Ronaldo's using his free-kick technique in his car and sent it straight into the wall

6. Why did the chicken cross the road? Because Ronaldo mounted the pavement


:D:D:D:D:D:D
Paulo
 
More digging from the web on Ronaldo:D

-Cristiano Ronaldo's £80million move to Real Madrid now makes him the worlds highest paid actor.

:D:D:D

Paulo
 
Turning to Brazil's Robinho:
Robinho finishes first training session with Manchester City and is in a press conference with Mark Hughes. He asks Sparky "Is the new strip blue for this season? Where were Giggsy and Rooney today" and "What the hell happened to the trophy cabinet?"

Sorry about that Kevin, City are now much better:D:D.

Paulo
 

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